This is going to be a really raw post. Demi Lovato and I have things in common. I am in no way putting myself up on a pedestal, I’m just simply stating that I know where she’s coming from. I have been cutting since age 12 and Demi has been cutting since age 11. We both suffer from body image issues and from being under pressure. I’m glad that Demi Lovato is seeking help for her emotional and physical issues. As for me I’m still falling down that neverending rabbit hole. The only person who can change me is myself, yet I’m really afraid to tell my parents and loved ones about what has been going on with me lately. I don’t think that they suspect anything, because I’ve been putting on a smile. Little do they know that I’ve been bottling things up for almost two years now and everything just finally exploded a week ago. I think that the cutting was a result of me needing to get the pain to the surface and so far it’s worked, but I need a better coping skill to totally erase that pain. I realize that I can’t keep cutting myself for the rest of my life, it’s not healthy and the only one who can save me is myself. So I have to do something about it. I have to fix things in my life. I have to tell my parents what has been going on with me. I think I’m more afraid of my mother finding out than my dad finding out, because I have a much better relationship with my mom. My mom gets really sad when I tell her that I’ve slipped and she doesn’t really talk to me after I’ve told her. So I’ve been seeking out help from friends who actually have all told me that I HAVE to tell my mom and that’s the ONLY way that I can get help, is if I ask for it. I’m not cutting because I’m suicidal. If I wanted to commit suicide I would have done it 8 years ago.
A lot of shitty things have happened to me in my life that I haven’t told my parents or loved ones about, or even therapists for that matter. I think it’s time for me to let the secrets and lies go away for good. On Tuesday, when my therapist comes, I will tell my mom what has been going on with me and I will also request a med change. I realize that more than 50 % of the change has to come from me, because I can’t depend on meds for the rest of my life.
(Note: the image is from http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/32848309/Demi+Lovato+demi3.png)