A Sarcastic Bastard’s Guide- William Wieliczka

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   It took me years to perfect the art of verbally stabbing a guy without the consequences of a broken nose or a chipped tooth.  There are many subtle nuances involved that a decent person would have no need or desire to comprehend, but to them I would say:  “You have no idea what you are missing!”

    A true Sarcastic Bastard is like a verbal assassin who truly enjoys his or her work.  As discussed later, most are honorable souls who use their powers for the benefit of others.  A roguish sort, a sarcastic bastard is quick of wit and generally apt at reading others.  They may have the gift of gab, but they need to be good listeners as well.  These masters of subtle verbal assaults are specialized operatives who blend in and walk among society’s masses, to reveal themselves as needed.

Purest Sarcasm

    While a sarcastic bastard engages in all forms of this craft, those who have fine-tuned their skills often discover the power of being obviously subliminal.  When Purest Sarcasm is wielded, most people do not notice the attacks if they are the target (called a “mark”), but the attacks are clearly visible to nearby onlookers.  Any buffoon can call someone stupid and then laugh, but those types of tactics are for the novice or for the person who wants a straight up confrontation.  Bear in mind that while a sarcastic bastard is not afraid of a straight up confrontation, there is no pleasure to be had in being reduced to a level of base insults.  The only time to engage in all-out war would be in a situation where the other person happens to also be a sarcastic bastard.  It is a skill unrecognized by most, but appreciated by everyone when they witness the art of Purest Sarcasm.  In a nutshell, Purest Sarcasm is the art of destroying a mark while keeping them not just pacified, but totally oblivious to the attack until you can set them up for the coup de grace.

The Mark

    While a sarcastic bastard may turn his or her attention to the unaware, a true professional does not abuse their power or flaunt their skills recklessly.  The playful banter between friends and family are good for honing skills, the good natured mark at a party is fun to toy with for purposes of entertainment, but unleashing the full power of Purest Sarcasm should never be on a whim.  A proper mark for such destruction will always present themselves on a fairly regular basis.  You will never have to question whether or not these marks have it coming, because they will make their presence known to one and all.
    A true mark will generally be a rude and very likely stupid person.  They will cut you off with a full shopping cart at the express check-out, or they will be the vocal bully at a friendly party.  They are the people that change the energy of a room to a less than desirable level and everyone else wishes they would leave.  It is your responsibility and pleasure to readjust the vibe and eventually drive the crude person away.  Keep in mind that a vocal bully could be an obnoxious adult, a forceful senior, or from any walk of life.  While their actions would never warrant them being manhandled out of a party, they do need to be dealt with.  A true sarcastic bastard will let instinct take over and react with extreme, but subtle prejudice.

The Assault

    When delivering an assault on the mark, it is best for them to say something first and reply with an answer that is ambiguous in nature.  The mark must wonder if they just got stung, or if they are engaged in a conversation with someone on their own mental level.  This can be done by choosing your words carefully and smiling sincerely as they are delivered.   
    I once had, for example, a student come up to me while I was memorizing a script for a scene in a play.  They are the type to never really notice when they are intruding or when others are busy, but they will just keep hounding you.  After explaining the urgency of my situation, the fellow student still persisted in buzzing in my ear.  He finally asked me what was the best technique for memorizing lines, and I replied with: “Find a place where no one will distract you.”  I offered this as sincerely as possible which prompted him to pursue further questions as I piled multiple snide comments on him.  I could have said that with venom, and he would have instantly realized that I wanted him gone, but in this case instinct took over and I decided to engage in Purest Sarcasm.  I knew in my heart of hearts that it would be best to set him up for the coup de grace.

The Coup De Grace

    How do you put into words the most perfect of moments?  How does one explain the sensation of smugly saying checkmate to someone who thought they were playing checkers?  It is the moment when you unleash all the destructive power of Purest Sarcasm and plunge your blade deep into their brain.  It is a weapon that destroys them with the knowledge of their own short comings.  It is a powerful force that really should involve the president and a senior staff member turning two keys on opposite sides of a room, but a sarcastic bastard can launch these missiles at will.
    In the case of the student disturbing my memorization of my script, I had responded several times as if giving instruction, but was really describing his own oblivious actions.  At the end of the conversation he said, “Wow, that must really be annoying when people won’t leave you alone while trying to study.  They really ask a bunch of dumb questions?  You think people would take a hint!”
    I said nothing, but rather dropped a silent bombshell known in advanced circles as “The Look”.  As his face transformed from an imposing grin to a look of introspective horror, my face transformed from “The Look” into that of sarcastic bastard staring him down over the top of my glasses.  There is no greater pleasure.
    For the sake of safety, “The Look” has been deemed suitable for advanced sarcastic bastards and is not recommended for casual or new operatives.


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